mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

honestly, the word "mistake" has seriously been the word that I've loathed the most. I ALWAYS make the stupidest mistakes. so many people tell me, "don't be so hard on yourself" but it's human nature to dwell on the past, right? in every single aspect of my life, I've made some stupid mistakes and they aren't the ones that are put on billboards, not the whole dropped outta school kind of thing, but the ones that trip me up little by little. they get to my head, phase me. it's frustrating. maybe I am too hard on myself, but it just seems necessary. and it sucks more that I know I've made the particular mistake right after I do it.

"I don't want you to be so hard on yourself.. you can learn from your mistakes. keep your head up, it'll be okay." ... so simple, you know? just don't let it phase you... the whole carpe diem mantra of life. oh, how I wish I could fully embrace it and really, fully live it out but it's so hard for me to not dwell on mistakes I've made. the time I've spent doing the WRONG thing. the things I've put so much effort into with nothing in return. especially when you want something to work out so much. It's the inevitable tho, mistakes will happen. Once I wrote an essay on this word.. I tried to define it and at the end, I was pretty much trying to convince myself not to cry over spilt milk. everyday I tell myself over and over againt that I won't think about what's already happened but my mind takes a grip on the negative and just won't let go. the hold it has on my errors is stronger than anything else I've felt. a constant reminder of being not enough..

why can't there be a "back" button or a "refresh" button for life? or maybe. a "home" icon, bringing me back to when things were okay. where I didn't care if I completely word-vomited, if I got a couple points marked off my papers, or if I didn't take that last shot. scractch that. that's how i've alwys been, and sadly I don't think it's gonna change. a mistake on my part? probably. good thing I'm used to it... this isn't a way for me to pity myself. it's a lightweight epiphany..

Congratulations Arika, you've come to a huge realization.